One & Done?
Gah. I feel like I write this post about three times a year.
First of all – I feel the need to caveat all of this. Yes, there are TWO boys that live in my house. Bryan has TWO sons. Of COURSE we count both of them. But for the sake of my ovaries, I count the number of children I pushed out of my birth canal. So. That.
I am of these two very distinct minds when it comes to our family.
1) The Practical Mind
Okay, people who tell you to NOT consider financial aspects or real estate aspects or whatever aspects of your life when you debate having a baby are crazy, in my book. If we were all unemployed in mountains of debt? I would feel irresponsible having another baby. THAT’S JUST ME. But we’re not unemployed. And we’re not under mountains of debt. We’re actually… good, even. We can even see the end of preschool payments.
We live (rather tightly) in a three-bedroom house. Every child has their own room. We could STAND a bigger house as it is now; having another baby would necessitate moving. Couple that with “new” car purchases in the last year that lock us into a two-kid capacity, and we’re suddenly car shopping as well. Also throw in my AWFUL and UNBEARABLE breastfeeding situation in the last round, and we’d also be back in Formula Land. (Which? Look, I would happily do again. Breast is best, but happy baby and happy momma are ACTUALLY best.) And we’d just be lining up ANOTHER preschool payment.
So another baby? Would necessitate: a new house, two new cars, a new daycare payment, and all the requisite baby stuff that we’d literally have to buy because we got rid of all of Tony’s stuff.
This is not practical.
2) My Heart
I liken it to finding your strength through exercise. The more you realize your body can accommodate, the more you want to challenge it. You’re always striving to better your time on that lap, or best your weight for the next rep. Having a baby stretched my heart so incredibly much, I wonder how much more it can accommodate.
I think Tony would be an amazing big brother.
I don’t feel done yet.
Deep down in my heart, I want another baby.
****
So there we are. Or I am.
And because we are practical people, that’s where we are. Hearts be damned.
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once upon a time in the late 90s we lived in a small 3 bedroom home (on Redstone). We lived there for 1 yr w/3 children and for another year w/4 children. Kids do not need their own bedrooms.. it can make things easier but it’s not necessary. Our home was maybe 1200 sq ft – not only was it only 3 bedrooms but just a living room and tight eat-in kitchen…. what we lacked in space, we made up for in love
Oh Sarah – I soooo feel you on this. I was writing THIS ARTICLE when I found out I was pregnant with my current peanut. I will say, there is never going to be a good time and unless you hit the lottery, money can/will always be a problem. As I am (a little) older than you, I had the added pressure of – if I don’t do it now, it’s not going to happen – which is *fun.
We were debating these same issues and while I don’t think only children are terrible or anything (and in fact, there is much evidence that they do very well in life, thank you) I have two siblings I’m close to and I wanted Leah to experience that. I wanted her to have a built-in playmate that would be there for her no matter what. Of course, Tony has that already so your situation is different than mine in that respect as well.
It’s such a personal decision and frankly, for us it was one we just couldn’t seem to make and then FATE (and a little Russian roulette) made it for us.
Yep. I’m here too. I had mine so close together – they’re 19 months apart – I feel like I missed reveling in the babydom with both. I’m extreme in my swinging back and forth… one month I’m ready to be pregnant and the next the thought of going through it all again literally makes me shudder. I also feel like I could be pushing my luck in a way. How many times can I be lucky enough to win the Great Kid Lottery?
So. Yeah. I get it.
I love this post, because it is so personal and it is something that all mamas think about. And I agree, Sarah Lena, there has to be some practicality in the mix! So let me ask you Mamas about this: the thing that drives me crazy is when other people ask me “So when are you having another?” I. HATE. THIS. I mean really, do I ask about their reproductive habits??? I know they mean well, but it feels so invasive of such a private conversation. And then if you’re NOT thinking about having another, heaven help you explain that! Maybe it’s just me that gets really bugged by it. I have a whole tirade written about it in my head, and one day a well meaning church lady/co-worker/stranger on the street is going to ask me that dreaded question at the wrong moment, and it’s not going to end well. Or it will end up all over my Facebook page. But back to you, Sarah Lena- great article and true for many Mamas 🙂
I struggle with this. We have one, and most of the time I’m quite sure I’m done. Truthfully, the main reason I would have another child is so my son would have someone to commiserate with about their crazy parents. And that’s no reason to have a kid. Every once in a while I get a twinge for that sweet newborn smell, but then I get a whiff of a 3 year old boy smell, and the twinge goes away. 🙂 Add that to not wanting to be 40 and pregnant, and we probably are done. Probably.
While I understand this writer’s dilemma about having another child, it is hard for me to truly have sympathy because her child already has a sibling. I have struggled unsuccessfully with infertility trying to have a second child and it breaks my heart daily that my child won’t have a sibling. Like Lexie, I want to explode when someone asks when I will have another one. Having a baby is not always something we get to decide about.
Your point about infertility is a good one. It behooves all of us to keep in mind that for some people (and I would say actually MOST people) the decision to add another child to the family is complex and involves a variety of factors including some beyond our control. I feel like other moms are the worst offenders and casually ask this personal question of almost complete strangers all the time. Just because having several children came easily and naturally to you doesn’t mean everyone has that experience.