Maternity Swimwear = Cruel Joke

Swimsuit Season. Two words that strike fear in the hearts of most women I know. Now, add to that a summer spent in Alabama during which time you will be in your third trimester of pregnancy. It isn’t a pretty picture but the alternative is to spend your summer indoors and that’s REALLY not an option if you have a 4-year-old. So to the pool we go!

[sws_pullquote_right]The point I’m making here is that as beautiful as the miracle of pregnancy and birth are, they don’t go hand in hand with looking good in a swimsuit. [/sws_pullquote_right] This means that I’ve spent the last two months searching the internet for good options that would cover my expanding girth without making me look like…well, you know. I’ll confess now to being a bit of a prude when it comes to swimsuits. I’ve never been comfortable at the pool or beach and I blame it entirely on my conservative, land-locked Midwest upbringing.

Then, a couple of years ago I found Lands’ End. Obviously, I’d heard of the company before that but I’d always assumed their swimwear was for old ladies (and maybe it still is and I’m just in denial). But I had already had a baby, and I wasn’t looking to impress anyone, just be comfortable. Their suits were cute but still covered me enough that I felt confident none of my “assets” were going to pop out unexpectedly. Alas, they do not make maternity wear.

Before I share what I found out there on the interwebs, let’s just discuss what the average pregnant lady needs in a swimsuit. Actually, better yet, let’s discuss what the well-above-average woman can get away with. Here is a picture of Jessica Alba in a bikini nearing the end of her first pregnancy.

Now, this is a woman who arguably has one of the best bodies in Hollywood and while I’m not saying she looks terrible here, it’s not her best look. I certainly have no illusions that I ever looked like Jessica Alba and I haven’t worn a bikini since I was 21. The point I’m making here is that as beautiful as the miracle of pregnancy and birth are, they don’t go hand in hand with looking good in a swimsuit.

Add to that the incredibly awful choices out there for maternity swimwear and you can understand why some women choose to just give up. Here are a couple gems I found in my search.

I’m not sure where to start with this one. If you actually get in the water, wouldn’t the whole front just float to the top to surround you like a giant black lilypad? Who would choose this as a good option? Maybe someone whose only other choice was this one…

I HAVE to believe the person who designed this actually hates women and specifically pregnant women. The ruffles, the vague resemblance to a napkin, THE FLOWER!

Luckily, I found a site called Mermaid Maternity that had several options for prudes like myself. Women that are looking for support for our heavy boobs and giant belly.

It’s black. It will cover all my bits. It in no way resembles a kimono. SOLD.

So for all my fellow pregnant ladies out there getting ready to tackle swimsuit season 2012, I offer this advice – Pinterest and patience. You’ll find what you’re looking for but you’ll likely have to view a lot of lemons during your search.

Do you have a favorite brand or store that sells good maternity swimsuits? Be a doll and share it in the comments.