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Wrestling With The Green Eyed Monster

Wrestling With The Green Eyed Monster

Envy is a word that carries so many connotations. It has been known as a deadly sin, a green eyed monster, and more recently something our culture tells us we should create in others. In the past, I never really gave envy any thought. I mean, it’s that emotion where you really like what someone else has, right? You like it and then you move on. It wasn’t any deeper than that.


[sws_pullquote_right]It sounds so simple to say, “be content with what you have”. But in reality, it’s much more difficult. [/sws_pullquote_right]

Then I started thinking about envy a little more after a night out with some girl friends a few months ago. There were three of us in the car. One was a single woman with a fantastic job who desperately wanted to be married. I was there, married and with a good job and darling stepson, but I desperately wanted a baby. We had been having trouble with fertility for years. The other friend was a stay-at-home mom with two precious kids, but she really wanted to go back to work.

I was stunned. We all had something the other wanted so badly. Why couldn’t we be happy with what we had?

It sounds so simple to say, “be content with what you have”. But in reality, it’s much more difficult. We live in a society where envy is touted as desirable by magazines, commercials, cosmetics and fashion industries. Of course the goal is to make money by convincing women that they need to become perfect. However, the result is a whole culture of women (definitely myself included) who feel like we never have enough. We want fantastic jobs, and hot husbands, and well behaved children, and shiny cars, and Pinterest-perfect houses, and a wardrobe worthy of Anthrolpologie, and abs like Jillian Michaels, and the wrinkleless skin of a 20 year old, and a butt like Beyonce’s.

Or maybe that’s just me.

lexie and alex Final

But what if we’re not meant to have that?

As I mentioned before, I’ve been struggling with infertility for years. Ever since I got married in 2009, really. About a year ago my baby bump envy grew from a tiny nagging voice in the back of my head to a full-grown tempest of anxiety, depression, and despair. I started having nightmares, anxiety attacks, and full on depressive meltdowns. Being around pregnant people made me nauseous. I avoided baby showers like the plague. It got bad enough that I sought professional help.

Then in December 2012, I said “Enough! I will not let this baby envy take over my life!”

I started to let it go. So what if I never have a baby? I have a great life. I started taking stock of what I did have: a great job that I loved, a sweet husband, a great stepson, a loving family, and many other great blessings. I didn’t have a baby, but I had opportunities! I started writing and finding other ways to create. I spent time reading books like crazy, and began researching my family history. I started traveling, visiting places that I love but would not have been able to travel to with an infant. I used this time to draw deeper on my religion, and poured myself into strengthening my spirituality. I am so glad I did, because all of that prepared me for what was going to happen next.

In April, I was coming home from a trip to Texas. I was in the car and I couldn’t sit comfortably because of a pain in my side. I’ve always had ovarian cysts and I just assumed it was another one. A few weeks later, I was in the hospital for a laparoscopy to remove the cyst. My GYN walked out of the surgery with some news that changed my life: I needed a hysterectomy. I was 30 years old. The doctor showed me pictures of severe stage endometriosis, of my internal organs fused together, and multiple different types of tumors (none cancerous, thank goodness) including a softball sized one that I nicknamed “the Hulk”. I had been infertile for years, and even with extreme medical measures, would likely never get pregnant. I took a deep breath, and let the baby envy go. I had a hysterectomy.

[sws_blockquote align=”” alignment=”aligncenter” cite=”” quotestyles=”style03″]I had a choice. I could retreat back into my storm cloud of envy and depression or I could move on. [/sws_blockquote]

In the middle of all of this craziness, I got a phone call from my little sister. She told me she realized that it was the worst possible timing, but that she needed to tell me something: she was pregnant with her first child. In the days that followed I thought about her a lot. It really was rotten timing – but not just for me. Here she was, terrified to share some of the most exciting news of her life because of my drama. And yes, having a hysterectomy is hard, and I was grieving. But I had a choice. I could retreat back into my storm cloud of envy and depression or I could move on. And I love my sister enough that I refused to let my pain and envy ruin this amazing experience for her.

I took three days to grieve after my surgery. I wore sad clothes, I ate sad food, I watched sad movies, I cried, and I mourned. I grieved for the children I would never give birth to. And then I got up and moved on with my life.

Today, I’m excited to become an Aunt. Do I still cringe a little inside when I see babies or pregnant people? Sure, and I think I always will. But I’m not entirely eaten up with envy anymore. It’s not destroying who I am. I’m looking towards the future with hope.

And hope, I’ve found, is a much better co-pilot than envy.


View Comments (5)
  • I had a hysterectomy at 34. I was blessed with children beforehand, but I can still understand the way it breaks your heart. My sister is pregnant now with my 5th niece or nephew and your piece really spoke to me. Thank you for sharing your story!

  • I have struggled with infertility myself and after my 4th miscarriage have decided to stop trying. I can’t risk the disappointment and depression again. You are incredibly brave to share your story. Please know that you have touched the heart of those of us with similar baby envy. Thank you for your strength and for your perspective.

  • Lexie…My husband & I struggled with infertility for years. We even underwent infertility treatments through the ART program in Birmingham. All three of my sister-in-laws were pregnant at the same time. I did not want to go to any baby showers, the sight of a pregnant woman or a baby would make me cry. I totally understand how you felt. We looked into adoption. Half the adoption agencies fees were more than we could afford but we met the age requirements, the other half had reasonable fees but we were not old enough! I finally just needed to grieve & when I came through that, we decided to become foster parents. Yes, lots of tears were shed & it hurt when the child(ren) went back to their birthparent(s) or some other family member but it was part of our journey (and that is the ultimate goal of foster parenting – to reunite the birth family if at all possible). The great thing about being a foster parent now is that when the foster child is finally free for adoption, if none of their birth family wants to adopt them, then the foster family is next in line to be able to adopt them if they so wish. That is how we made our family…we adopted several of our former foster children (but we never looked at them as foster children, they were all our kids whether we had them for a few weeks, few months or got blessed to be able to adopt them). We also adopted a baby through a private adoption. There truly is some great kids out there in foster care who are yearning for a forever home. We finally have our family & God just showed us a different way to make it possible.

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