Looking Back through the Office Window

Yesterday, my husband left for work early in the morning. It wasn’t entirely unusual, except I dressed our 6 week old twins in “special clothes” after I nursed them, and we saw Daddy off. I cried, overwhelmed at what I would do after having had his untiring help at home for an extended period of time. “I can do this,” I thought, “Surely, I can do this.” And then I squalled some more.

But that wasn’t really yesterday. It just seems like it, and tomorrow I return to my career after a 5 year hiatus. But when I think about them laying on that blanket in the den and me crying, it does seem like only moments ago…and I just cannot believe that time has somehow moved at warp speed.

[pullquote type=”2″ align=”right”]“I used to hate that ubiquitous advice: “Enjoy it! They grow so fast.” ”[/pullquote]

I’ve had an extreme amount of guilt. I am an uber-perfectionist, OCD, and have a Cancer Zodiac sign, so I want a measurable amount of success on my time home with my kids. Somehow, as I have tried to mentally prepare myself for tomorrow and the weeks ahead, I have felt that I missed something, or failed to do something.

And then I think about all of the moments I have had with these children, grocery trips, hiking, shopping, playing, crafting, crying….laughing. I think about times when they were sick and I would spend the days making them comfortable or accommodating whatever they might have needed. I beat myself up a bit for the days when I was preoccupied with housework or volunteer work or other “pressing” things, but even on those days I was just a “MOMMMMMMMYYYYYY!“ away, and, on those days they learned some independence. I’ve managed to prepare them scholastically for Kindergarten (although we’ve yet to see how they do socially after I peel them from beneath their smothered spots under each wing).

My almost-Kindergardeners

I think about everything, all of the moments, and I look at these happy and healthy children and I see myself, having sacrificed nothing, and having all of those moments to carry with me forever – even if it involved sobbing on the floor of my den. And I realize that morning in the den seems like a lifetime ago, and I can barely recall how small they were and all their little baby things. But I remember enough, and I am ever so thankful I had the time to devote to them (THANK YOU, ADAM!).

I am going to try to always remember that all of these moments, including the ones right now will soon seem like a lifetime has passed us by, and, yet, will  somehow seem like they just happened. I used to hate that ubiquitous advice: “Enjoy it! They grow so fast.” And, now, I will shamelessly say to any mommy reading this: savor it….this moment will never, ever happen again.

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